honig_haschen (honig_haschen) wrote in gwwgtcha,

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About A Man Named Jay...

Well gee,I surmise I ought to begin when I met the guy I am hopelessly and so utterly deeply in love with. It was little over a year ago when I met 'Jay'. I was bored and roaming around Yahoo Chat,and I noticed no one had been talking at all to this one guy just lingering about the chatroom. My curiosity having been piqued,and happy with the thought of making a new friend,I approached him and struck up a conversation. Since then,he and I have been close,in fact,he claims I am the only one of the friends on his list he ever talks to now.If anyone had told me then and there that I would end up seeing him as more than a friend,and I don't mean just best friends either (although it is a sweet little lie that I will use to make myself feel better),I would have told them they were out of their skulls. Much to my surprise,several months into the friendship he and I had developed,I noticed that my feelings were begining to tread dangerously across that 'line not meant to be crossed'. Oh believe me,after recently escaping two unhealthy relationships (not at the same time of course) that same year I met him,I was unwilling to admit that I was in love with him. It isn't like there is anything wrong with him. On the contrary,Jay is as close to perfection as my unworthy hazel eyes have ever had the pleasure to look upon and my heart to know the warmth of his kindness.... It is an unbearable hell trying to keep my feelings bottled up inside like this. Ian,our mutual best friend with whom Jay lives with,is the only one I have confided in about this. I told him about how sometimes I try and lie to myself and say I feel only lust...but I'm not easily deceived,even by my own self. Sometimes,at night as I lay in bed trying to overcome my insomnia,I think of how wonderful it would be just to see him in person. It would be about as close to heaven as I would get...ever. I dream of what it would be like to be his girlfriend,to be near him...yes distance is a problem as well,being that I live in lovely old Texas and he lives way the hell up in Iowa. I wish I was as close to perfect as he said I am,maybe I'd have a chance. I think most of the notion about me not being able to have him is in my head,sometimes my heart tells me that he feels the same way too,Ian hints about it. I just don't want to get my hopes up,I don't want to get hurt anymore,forgive me if I sounded emo just then and there but that's just the truth. No matter how much I want to believe him when he says I am beautiful and sweet and all of these wonderful things that really describe him more than me,I can't believe him...I could...but I'm too afraid of what will happen if I trust his word more than I already do.  Besides,when you fall in love with a best friend,things seem to get screwed up in the end and you end up hating eachother. For now,I will simply love him from a distance. Maybe he'll find someone who can make him happier than I would ever be able to make him,God knows he deserves it. However...when that happens,which it very well could,I will still continue to love him. It seems silly,but I already promised not to let a single solitary man other than him own my heart.  I have the deep,sinking feeling that I'm going to be very lonely throughout my later years,more than I already am now.

On a side note...I find it simply ironic that my favorite flower,the Daffodil,is the flower of unrequited love.

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